i'll miss these times when i can just call you

and head to esplanade  to watch one of those musicals or performances

meanwhile, i'll treasure them now

first pang of bad news

parting never seemed this bad before:(

what am i to do

i dont create miracles

who am i suppose to look for support

when all of you depend on me

what if im gone?

unnecessary pressure on myself

until everything was over

then i see light

cause others had such confident in me

which i didnt have in myself

and this cycle repeats over and over again

when sometimes i fall

but im glad i got through it today

i totally hate that feeling

the sense of fear i never once had

but only get worse each time now

the fear of not meeting my own expectation

i wonder how will i be able to survive 

through all those

im so moody and drained these days

i flare up at both my kids

much to both their surprise

cause they didnt believe i would get angry

its time to take a breather

and have something to look forward to:|

my memory is failing me so bad

that i realised im suppose to be at two places at the same time

both important and im feeling so guilty

i just want to hide under my sheets and never wake up

and life is moving so fast

that im not in the right mental frame to take my driving test

ive become so impatient

and everything just have to be fastfastfast

but other than the fact that i dont have the time to think so much

ive not begun to fret about it

i better slow things down

(which i know will never happen though)

cause i never felt so guilty using the word busy as an excuse

its an excuse, not a reason.

i feel like a cancer patient

no?

things are going way too fast 

and i've got no one else to blame but myself:(

almost one month since i was last here.

at this moment

i just want to travel around the world

and run away from everything here

i just realised

half the people coming by here

are prob still in the dark

while the other half, obviously, is in the light

na ha, thats all im going to say:)

and i've got yet another baby nephew

my second one this year

and one more to come

just a little good news to brighten up my week

since i fell terribly ill for a whole of five days

which i did nothing but sleep

how apt when i was adviced to sleep before twelve just the week before

and i so badly want to cut back on lessons

but my kids make lesson so hilarious

thats rendered me quite reluctant to do so

for the sake our my health, i must,

but we'll see...

im still alive

but dying soon, 

surrounded by all the responsibilities i surround myself with

or so i think

it feels like im counting down to life's last moments

like everything is about to be disappear in the near future

head vs heart 

i should be making decisions with my heart instead of head

but there's no turning back

no room for regrets

just treasure what life has offered

and be thankful for every opportunity

and when you said that you'll cry so badly on that day

i couldnt bring myself to start thinking about it, really.

of late i've been in this dilemma

and i dont really have a firm answer to it yet

my dad will tell me that this is a happy problem

cause its not a case of 'you've got no choice'

but rather one with too many choices

so the least i can do 

is to be thankful

cause others do not even have a choice at all

and i've recently though about what i have done this past hols

and i must add that i never felt so satisfied and accomplished

long hours and back-to-back schedules

it plastered a smile on my face like nonetheless

and it seems to take a life of its own

and sometimes i wish i have a double

so that i do not have to reject people

i feel so bad:(

you dont know me well enough 

and you'll ask why do i take up so many assignments and jobs

do i really need money, sorry not at all

there's no point chasing it

(but i grew up from young never having to worry about that

and i have always handled my finance quite well too

thats why i see things this way)

cause its never ending

just be satisfied with what you have

when you chase after money, 

chances are it will go after you 

thats why it quite irks me when people go for a career because of that 

rather than really liking it

firstly, i do not go knocking looking for these assignments

i was recommended and since i feel bad rejecting 

i couldnt help but just take it

i could have said that i was busy

and yes i have done that to quite a few

but so long as my schedule allows

i just accept it

besides most of them are a joy to teach

they'll tell you the craziest thing on earth

make you laugh when you want to start scolding them

and tell their parents they want more of my lessons

when the parents want to cancel lesson so that they could have more rest

now, how can you resist them

in addition to that 

i told myself that in my lifetime 

i must have an office job

so this offer from my aunt came by

and ta-da, im surrounded by employees so stressed out

and thats what the real working world looks like

i sail through it with smiles though

and that prob lighten the mood by a tiny wee bit

helping my teacher at her tuition centre

i get to see every aspect of how a business works

and contrary to beliefs

the ones who appreciates whats done for them

arent adults or people around us

they are kids and strangers

meeting so many people

seeing through their eyes how they see life

the ones who enjoy themselves amid the stress and business

are the ones who enjoy what they are doing

and with passion

everything else comes naturally:)

why do i always make up my mind the night before

spend my whole time before thinking if i've made the right decision

only to have have someone/circumstances forcing me to change it

WHY?!!

its making me so disoriented!

the best thing you could ever hear from a parent

"...you've proven your worth in this short time..."

Thank you:)

you know, when someone lies

we may not know exactly what they are lying about

but their expression and languages will give hints

no matter how well they try to hide it

its often only a matter of whether the other 

choses to let you off or confront you

i bet you didnt know:)

if you were in my shoes

what would your choice be?

i need to see this from another perspective

actually no, i've dissected it from so many different point of views

i can tell you inside out

i just need someone to tell me yes, this is what should do cause it best suit you

and not tell me this and that and leave me hanging

cause you believe i always make the best choice

or either after talking you will have a clearer picture of what you want

and me, as usual, as confused.

please drop this angel from heaven please

receiving a cardboard iphone becomes an acceptance to ntu

im torn for choice

i really hope i receive a rejection letter

that would have been much ideal

being the fifty or so to get into it

i should be rejoicing

either way im not following the advice of my interviewer

oh by which the interview went really well 

and became a chit chat session

and ya, hence the result

and im glad that i've got someone in the same position

only that im in a worse dilema

cause ya

anyway i should be grateful to come this far

its been an enriching journey

and i hope more to come:)

i reallyreally hate parting scene

it was so hard putting up a front 

while i was crying so badly inside:(

i love it how primary school syf is so stress free

how the two p's are really fine with anything

as long as the kids do their best

how the teachers does not pressure them

despite them being so stressed 

and having to leave up to their previous gold

its how everything thats so cheerful and happy in the staff room

that really starts my week right

the teachers still treating me like their student

despite me being their collegue already

and how i look forward to going back there during the weekend

despite the kids that leave me drain

and despite me screaming and scolding and making them cry

they tell me that im not strict enough, argh

im still this nicenice teacher 

who looks more like their sister than teacher:( 

well it isnt such a bad thing right:)

this thought just pop up during driving lesson a few days back

no, actually its only yesterday

but my day is so packed with stuff 

that it actually seemed so long ago

oh back to the point, ya

i was stepping on the clutch pedal

and i was thinking

everything is all about tension and release

like no matter how far or how fast a car moves

after sometime it got to slow down or stop

and like how every piece of music in itself is in the form of tension and release

listen closely, and every note is a form of it too

the entrance and the ending, how intense or relaxed it is

...and then it lead on to alot of other stuff

and i look at some people

how they keep going on full steam

without a break, day and night

still so upbeat and forward looking

where's their release button?

when is it going to stop?

and working with them makes me feel so lucky

im surrounded by people who do what they love

they made me a workaholic like them

i dont think about ending work

i dont cast a glance at my watch

i go back on days i dont need to

i ask for extra lessons, 

haha which the parent happily agreed to

and i start to see some light

choosing passion over any other thing

but im also so involved involved in the edu sector

and that got to say something too

i rmb telling someone close to me 

to go for something you really want

then not trying at all 

cause when you look back

at least you would have been certain of the outcome

then not knowing at all

i reallyreally wish i hadnt

then i wouldnt be stuck in this dilema

the unknown would have provided much comfort

much better than this

it started out as one of the plans i have

then realising that it was almost taken away from me

now i want it more than ever

how close i am to have it

and still believing that it was meant for me

it may never materialise afterall

its almost like life is poking fun of me

putting me through test after test

and i stupidly believe that everything happens for a reason

but never seemed to get an answer

ive been making myself terribly busy with work and stuff

hoping that at the end of the day

i'll be too tired and i'll just fall asleep

but somehow

i've been keeping late nights

waking up at six and continue with my twenty hour day

im no superwoman

and its taking a toll on me

just give me this for once

i want it reallyreally badly.

business is just an excuse

an excuse for not doing what we really want to do

an excuse for not meeting up with friends

an excuse for not spending more time with precious ones

an excuse for 'i-dont-know-i-cant-really-think-of-any'

cause i realised that despite having so many things going on in my life concurrently

everything falls in place nicely

except that that i often forget to put in meal breaks

which isnt a very good thing, you know why

its like, if you really want to get things done

you will find time for it no matter how busy you are

of course, it cant be helped that timings do clash sometimes

other than that we'll achieve nighty percent of what we want

april's almost here

nearing three months of this full fledge break

its certainly packed with stuff

tired i may be sometimes

but im totally enjoying myself

be it work or other activities

relief teaching

two tuition kids

admin work at tuition centre

volunteer weekly

driving lessons

viola lessons

piano lessons

and alumni prac which ended with a concert in march hols

fulfilling indeed!

i just got to be thankful for all this

perhaps its my way of escaping all those fretting

business is not the word

i just hope all the late night pays off

something good has comes out of this

it has to.

perhaps mine planning ahead is doing more harm than good 

i shouldnt be thinking and worrying and leave it up to fate

afterall i always tell my kids

slowly, be patient ... time will see that your hard work pay off

at that age, yes

but as you grow older time doesnt go your way

and as much as we want things to go our way

we also have to expect that it often doesnt

I NEED TO SCREAM!

and i want to see those happy pills tmr

but appt clash 

and unfortunately only they can make my gloomy thurs bright:(

an observation of mine

most people around me are in a desperate bid to get in a relationship

in my very opinion

getting into a relationship isnt the toughest thing

what most difficult is resisting to get into one

it isnt that difficult to get into one

tempting it may be

even when we tell ourselves that our min. requirement is this and this

but at the end of the day

our heart soften when one goes out of the way

or simply, gives more attention

cause affection and acknowledgement and acceptance are what humans crave for

not just in a relationship

but also friendship or in a classroom or in our workplace

why dont we look out into the world

not just the people around us

but beyond that

the people in our society

instead of being on the receiving end

we have so much within us to offer

and when we give selflessly 

we'll actually receive much more, trust me

cause just a slight nod or a smile

can tug your heartstrings

and as i was planning my schedule for next week

i realised that most of my time are spent 

with those that i have known for a few months

its time for more meet up

lunch shopping and dinner dates

ive been neglecting them

its the things in common that make relationships enjoyable

but the little differences that makes it interesting

GOSH...my days are packed

with stuff going on back to back

and im trying to squeeze a little time for everything

at the same time doing my best to have quality time

and not rush through them

im trying hard to convince myself that im not busy

although failing quite badly

afterall its all up to the mind

how busy one is

its about planning my time well

and enjoying every moment of business

it cant be helped

cause i was suppose to be free

but all these activities are not mandatory

and besides i enjoy them

i've planned a whole list of people to meet up with

people that i should have met since the start of jc life

but somehow along the way

didnt really got down to it

a whole list of places to visit 

and i barely strike off half the list

besides that, i havent been spending much 'me' time

except that i last remembered i had been watching movies 

for a consecutive no. of 

but somehow im crowded with stuff to be able to do that

quite disjointed post

but ah...rushing around makes me feel like that all the time

exciting stuff this week:))

ironically, i never felt this free before

free as in busy/free  and  freedom/free

im near burnt out
something which is not suppose to happen 

since its supposed to be a break i promised myself

:(

why cant i go back on promises

why did i promise so much in the first place

why did i even entertain the thought of letting others down

why didnt i think about myself first?

why am i so upset with myself in the first place

i didnt realised i was upset till someone told me right in my face

'why do you look so unhappy today, tired ah?'

i wanted to cry there and then

but as usual, the kids did wonders:)

yes, i wanted it so badly

cant i just have it

on a happier note

this girls did managed to lift my mood little too

happy birthday sweeet!

love from spore to indo then to macau:)

my girl showed me her whole collection of stickers

and even giving some to me

i told you 

she knows i love them:)

now, talk about me and stickers

HAHA

why the reluctance

what's stopping me?

i've been sure of what i want

except this

urgh!

it wasnt great results

but im just thankful for it

for it could have been worse

i was neutral, neither feeling hapy nor sad

but more worried about those who had not done as they had expected

i dont know 

i just hate this thing about others being upset

and i cant bear to see them cry or hold back their tears 

it hurts

thanks for telling me that i should be happy instead of just neutral,

for lifting my mood cause i really would have started tearing then

and everyone else who was genuinely concerned:)

it feels like a great load off

it never felt this good

that this phase of life have ended

ps. do let me know if you know anyone who teaches viola

haha i bought stickers for the kids

and im so badly want to paste it on their ws

the kids must have sensed my eagerness:))

oops.

i realised...

its not just about passion

its more than that

its love for it

and actually missing it

a whole lot of activities coming up

it felt impossible to be part of every one of them

but alas, everything falls nicely in place:)

and more to come.

i've never been that afraid

the fateful day fast approaching

how ironic that everyone around me

has so much faith in me

(for that i thank every single one of you for being my morale booster

but it didnt help much still)

wheras i do not have faith in myself at all

not a single bit

i wonder why they thought so highly of me

asking me to go to a certain uni,

go for scholarships, and what nots

im not pressured into living up to their expectation

because i really dont know what to expect at all,

how it will all turn out 

and besides i know they genuinely care

and im grateful to have them

shut my eyes and i have nightmares

awake and i fear

i wonder how i will survive the week

terribly afraid:(

happy st valentine:)

i have too much spare time in between lessons

not alot of it, really

but enough for my mind to wonder off

hence it would be nice to keep track of what im thinking of

this best describes my thoughts

after each lesson

its a child's life you are talking about

make or break it.

I've come to a frightening conclusion 

that i am the decisive element in the classroom.

It's my personal approach that determines the climate.

It's my daily mood that makes the weather. 

As a teacher, i possess a tremendous power 

to make a child's life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration.

I can humilate or humour, hurt or heal.

In all situations, it is my response that decides 

whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalaed, 

and a child humanized or dehumanized.

Haim Ginott

(taken from one of the teacher's table that i relief)

 

children in school ... potential awaiting to be unleashed