a mid sem test up this week,

a birthday lunch tmr

and all i want is some peace today to get more work done

but no, music blasting since eleven am

and the party is not going to stop till at least midnight

the library is close for the day

and great, im here!

i've decided to return here again

just cause i wouldnt want to look back

and see its all a blur

heh, anyway the thoughts had been in my head since god-knows-when

pardon me if its mostly emo posts

but this is just an outlet

i seldom share my thoughts with anyone here

cause this would increase their burden

not those back home

cause its an additional worry for them,

plus they might not truly understand the feelings

(i perfectly understand the feeling of wanting to help

but distance made it a hindrance)

im doing well, being miss independent,

and well, like what i told someone before i left,

living life just for myself!

but its taking on another level,

not exactly the way i want to actually,

cause besides living for yourself,

you need to care for people around you too,

but the people around me arent exactly the people i want to care for

past disappointment i should forget,

but no, i cant

and only when i can, i would then be able to genuinely care for them

meanwhile, im missing miss indo,

seems like an eternity since i last spoken to you.

everytime i look at my parents play with my nieces

i never felt so blessed before

my mum always surprise them with sweets and little gifts

and haha i would feel jealous at times,

cause she doesnt do that with me,

and my dad playing tricks on them

my nieces look forward to going our house on weekends,

exploring parts of spore, or simply just a meal,

im glad they can keep my parents busy,

since im away and my bro is in the army,

revealing a side of them we seldom see,

i cant help but feel im the luckiest of all to have them as parents:))

many a times, i wish there was someone here i could relate to

supressing everything within me wont be doing myself any good

it was only when i was back home

showing my dad all the pics i had taken

that it suddenly dawn on me that,

isnt it wonderful to have someone to share life's journey with you

i then understood why my dad always tells me

"you should see this!" whenever he's overseas for travel

the other time was when i was running the 14 km city to surf

taking in the amazing view,

enjoying the experience,

to be able to share the feeling of running without any beads of perspiration

(haha yes, it evaporated into salt and you could literally feel it)

strangers encouraging you along the way

and all the interesting sightings

i never it felt it before,

but i was surrounded by so many people,

how could i feel so alone

when i came here

i had this fear that i would be so comfortable being alone

that i wouldnt want to mingle around with others anymore

i guess it was made worse when i told myself

that i had the right to choose my friends

i wouldnt make friends for the sake of making friends

but instead only those that i can trust

really good ones

what was i afraid of then?

being taken advantage of, being hurt?

i guess i miss my friends back home

not that i regret it, i made some really good ones,

but i really couldnt bother to do small chats here and there now

gone is the friendly self and definately a higher expectation of people around me

to be able to witness something wonderful yourself,

wont feel as good as being able to share it with someone you love,

and im glad i still have a tight few whom i can rely on here

its been a really long time since i've been here

guess i should post more often when im free

so many months have passed and

i guess i've gotten used to life here

well be back soon:)

i'll pray that you'll be alright

that when im back, 

you'll be healthy and strong again

i miss you so much

and im sorry that i didnt keep in contact with you after i left

the last one i called and a return msg after that

i cant help but thank you for seeing me grow throughout the years

for being always there for me.

i'll see you strong and fit soon.

long time since i've blogged

but its been a hell of emotional rollercoaster

not that it goes up and down

but its mostly downs

with rushing to meet groups of people before leaving

not looking forward to departure

feeling a little excitement when i reached here

hitting rock bottom again when my mum left

then feeling a little thankiful on that day

cause my students came online unexpectedly to talk for the first time

then getting used to everyday life here

but along the way,

i know i've been blessed so abundantly

cause as compared to others

i've had things so much smoother

or maybe i was just optimistic about everything

while the rest kept complaining

so it seems like mine isnt so bad

and as you talk to more people

you realise you are not the only one,

eyes redden, heads nodding

the tiniest things reminds us of people back home

the days our parents left us

the little treasures we had

plus the fact that i never took things for granted 

and treasuring people around me before i leave made it even harder

and for months i searched for something to ease the ache a little

thankfuly i found this just before i left

"Losing people you care about 

and the thought of never, ever seeing them again, 

or hugging them, or hearing them laugh is heart-breaking. 

Trust me, I know. 

You’re only losing ONE of me. 

I’m losing ALL of you. 

But here’s something even more sad – 

what if we had never met, 

never gotten to know each other, 

never laughed together or cried together 

or learned from each other? 

Sure, we’d have saved ourselves some heartache, 

but we’d have lost a great deal more than that. 

And many of you have told me 

that I’ve taught you a thing or two. 

You’ve said I’ve been an inspiration, 

a role model, a source of strength, even a gadfly. 

Just hearing these great compliments from you 

made me want to live up to them and deserve them. 

That’s what kept me going during some of my darkest moments. 

You had put so much faith in me, 

I just couldn’t let you down. 

You saved me."

so thank you all!

i dont know

but i suddenly feel this overwhelming fear

i could have just chosen the safer route

rather than putting myself through all this

its going to be all worth it.

a wonderful 2008

a year which i cannot ask for more

a year which i devoted myself to everyone except myself

but an even more fantastic 2009 i will look forward to

when i've decided that it will all be back to me and only me

since

"Putting yourself at the top of the list 

so you can treat your body 

with as much as you would give to someone else's - 

and when anyone needs something from you,

you will be operating from a full cup."

looking at the numerous farewells i had

it seemed to be sending me a msg

one of which i've discovered is that

a farewell is only so painful

only cause relationships built has been so strong

and i thank everyone of you:)

so while you think that you'll be going through one

i'll be going through much more

many temp cause i'll be back:)

but a no. of them perm since i dont know how many years more i'll see them

till then

i've begin by boiling barley tea

and drink them when i think of you all:)

i'll miss these times when i can just call you

and head to esplanade  to watch one of those musicals or performances

meanwhile, i'll treasure them now

first pang of bad news

parting never seemed this bad before:(

what am i to do

i dont create miracles

who am i suppose to look for support

when all of you depend on me

what if im gone?

unnecessary pressure on myself

until everything was over

then i see light

cause others had such confident in me

which i didnt have in myself

and this cycle repeats over and over again

when sometimes i fall

but im glad i got through it today

i totally hate that feeling

the sense of fear i never once had

but only get worse each time now

the fear of not meeting my own expectation

i wonder how will i be able to survive 

through all those

im so moody and drained these days

i flare up at both my kids

much to both their surprise

cause they didnt believe i would get angry

its time to take a breather

and have something to look forward to:|

my memory is failing me so bad

that i realised im suppose to be at two places at the same time

both important and im feeling so guilty

i just want to hide under my sheets and never wake up

and life is moving so fast

that im not in the right mental frame to take my driving test

ive become so impatient

and everything just have to be fastfastfast

but other than the fact that i dont have the time to think so much

ive not begun to fret about it

i better slow things down

(which i know will never happen though)

cause i never felt so guilty using the word busy as an excuse

its an excuse, not a reason.

i feel like a cancer patient

no?

things are going way too fast 

and i've got no one else to blame but myself:(

almost one month since i was last here.

at this moment

i just want to travel around the world

and run away from everything here

i just realised

half the people coming by here

are prob still in the dark

while the other half, obviously, is in the light

na ha, thats all im going to say:)

and i've got yet another baby nephew

my second one this year

and one more to come

just a little good news to brighten up my week

since i fell terribly ill for a whole of five days

which i did nothing but sleep

how apt when i was adviced to sleep before twelve just the week before

and i so badly want to cut back on lessons

but my kids make lesson so hilarious

thats rendered me quite reluctant to do so

for the sake our my health, i must,

but we'll see...

im still alive

but dying soon, 

surrounded by all the responsibilities i surround myself with

or so i think

it feels like im counting down to life's last moments

like everything is about to be disappear in the near future

head vs heart 

i should be making decisions with my heart instead of head

but there's no turning back

no room for regrets

just treasure what life has offered

and be thankful for every opportunity

and when you said that you'll cry so badly on that day

i couldnt bring myself to start thinking about it, really.

of late i've been in this dilemma

and i dont really have a firm answer to it yet

my dad will tell me that this is a happy problem

cause its not a case of 'you've got no choice'

but rather one with too many choices

so the least i can do 

is to be thankful

cause others do not even have a choice at all

and i've recently though about what i have done this past hols

and i must add that i never felt so satisfied and accomplished

long hours and back-to-back schedules

it plastered a smile on my face like nonetheless

and it seems to take a life of its own

and sometimes i wish i have a double

so that i do not have to reject people

i feel so bad:(

you dont know me well enough 

and you'll ask why do i take up so many assignments and jobs

do i really need money, sorry not at all

there's no point chasing it

(but i grew up from young never having to worry about that

and i have always handled my finance quite well too

thats why i see things this way)

cause its never ending

just be satisfied with what you have

when you chase after money, 

chances are it will go after you 

thats why it quite irks me when people go for a career because of that 

rather than really liking it

firstly, i do not go knocking looking for these assignments

i was recommended and since i feel bad rejecting 

i couldnt help but just take it

i could have said that i was busy

and yes i have done that to quite a few

but so long as my schedule allows

i just accept it

besides most of them are a joy to teach

they'll tell you the craziest thing on earth

make you laugh when you want to start scolding them

and tell their parents they want more of my lessons

when the parents want to cancel lesson so that they could have more rest

now, how can you resist them

in addition to that 

i told myself that in my lifetime 

i must have an office job

so this offer from my aunt came by

and ta-da, im surrounded by employees so stressed out

and thats what the real working world looks like

i sail through it with smiles though

and that prob lighten the mood by a tiny wee bit

helping my teacher at her tuition centre

i get to see every aspect of how a business works

and contrary to beliefs

the ones who appreciates whats done for them

arent adults or people around us

they are kids and strangers

meeting so many people

seeing through their eyes how they see life

the ones who enjoy themselves amid the stress and business

are the ones who enjoy what they are doing

and with passion

everything else comes naturally:)