a mid sem test up this week,

a birthday lunch tmr

and all i want is some peace today to get more work done

but no, music blasting since eleven am

and the party is not going to stop till at least midnight

the library is close for the day

and great, im here!

i've decided to return here again

just cause i wouldnt want to look back

and see its all a blur

heh, anyway the thoughts had been in my head since god-knows-when

pardon me if its mostly emo posts

but this is just an outlet

i seldom share my thoughts with anyone here

cause this would increase their burden

not those back home

cause its an additional worry for them,

plus they might not truly understand the feelings

(i perfectly understand the feeling of wanting to help

but distance made it a hindrance)

im doing well, being miss independent,

and well, like what i told someone before i left,

living life just for myself!

but its taking on another level,

not exactly the way i want to actually,

cause besides living for yourself,

you need to care for people around you too,

but the people around me arent exactly the people i want to care for

past disappointment i should forget,

but no, i cant

and only when i can, i would then be able to genuinely care for them

meanwhile, im missing miss indo,

seems like an eternity since i last spoken to you.

everytime i look at my parents play with my nieces

i never felt so blessed before

my mum always surprise them with sweets and little gifts

and haha i would feel jealous at times,

cause she doesnt do that with me,

and my dad playing tricks on them

my nieces look forward to going our house on weekends,

exploring parts of spore, or simply just a meal,

im glad they can keep my parents busy,

since im away and my bro is in the army,

revealing a side of them we seldom see,

i cant help but feel im the luckiest of all to have them as parents:))

many a times, i wish there was someone here i could relate to

supressing everything within me wont be doing myself any good

it was only when i was back home

showing my dad all the pics i had taken

that it suddenly dawn on me that,

isnt it wonderful to have someone to share life's journey with you

i then understood why my dad always tells me

"you should see this!" whenever he's overseas for travel

the other time was when i was running the 14 km city to surf

taking in the amazing view,

enjoying the experience,

to be able to share the feeling of running without any beads of perspiration

(haha yes, it evaporated into salt and you could literally feel it)

strangers encouraging you along the way

and all the interesting sightings

i never it felt it before,

but i was surrounded by so many people,

how could i feel so alone

when i came here

i had this fear that i would be so comfortable being alone

that i wouldnt want to mingle around with others anymore

i guess it was made worse when i told myself

that i had the right to choose my friends

i wouldnt make friends for the sake of making friends

but instead only those that i can trust

really good ones

what was i afraid of then?

being taken advantage of, being hurt?

i guess i miss my friends back home

not that i regret it, i made some really good ones,

but i really couldnt bother to do small chats here and there now

gone is the friendly self and definately a higher expectation of people around me

to be able to witness something wonderful yourself,

wont feel as good as being able to share it with someone you love,

and im glad i still have a tight few whom i can rely on here

its been a really long time since i've been here

guess i should post more often when im free

so many months have passed and

i guess i've gotten used to life here

well be back soon:)

i'll pray that you'll be alright

that when im back, 

you'll be healthy and strong again

i miss you so much

and im sorry that i didnt keep in contact with you after i left

the last one i called and a return msg after that

i cant help but thank you for seeing me grow throughout the years

for being always there for me.

i'll see you strong and fit soon.

long time since i've blogged

but its been a hell of emotional rollercoaster

not that it goes up and down

but its mostly downs

with rushing to meet groups of people before leaving

not looking forward to departure

feeling a little excitement when i reached here

hitting rock bottom again when my mum left

then feeling a little thankiful on that day

cause my students came online unexpectedly to talk for the first time

then getting used to everyday life here

but along the way,

i know i've been blessed so abundantly

cause as compared to others

i've had things so much smoother

or maybe i was just optimistic about everything

while the rest kept complaining

so it seems like mine isnt so bad

and as you talk to more people

you realise you are not the only one,

eyes redden, heads nodding

the tiniest things reminds us of people back home

the days our parents left us

the little treasures we had

plus the fact that i never took things for granted 

and treasuring people around me before i leave made it even harder

and for months i searched for something to ease the ache a little

thankfuly i found this just before i left

"Losing people you care about 

and the thought of never, ever seeing them again, 

or hugging them, or hearing them laugh is heart-breaking. 

Trust me, I know. 

You’re only losing ONE of me. 

I’m losing ALL of you. 

But here’s something even more sad – 

what if we had never met, 

never gotten to know each other, 

never laughed together or cried together 

or learned from each other? 

Sure, we’d have saved ourselves some heartache, 

but we’d have lost a great deal more than that. 

And many of you have told me 

that I’ve taught you a thing or two. 

You’ve said I’ve been an inspiration, 

a role model, a source of strength, even a gadfly. 

Just hearing these great compliments from you 

made me want to live up to them and deserve them. 

That’s what kept me going during some of my darkest moments. 

You had put so much faith in me, 

I just couldn’t let you down. 

You saved me."

so thank you all!

i dont know

but i suddenly feel this overwhelming fear

i could have just chosen the safer route

rather than putting myself through all this

its going to be all worth it.